btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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