Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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