I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Bring me that man meat
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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