I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
