I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Randomize
