there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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