Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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