Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
