Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
