He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
