The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
