i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Enjoy the penises
Randomize
