i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
