You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She told me I should be a condom model.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
