Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
My sheets look like a crime scene.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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