I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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