Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
