You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
