All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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