I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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