remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
