i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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