On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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