Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I intend to get homeless drunk
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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