This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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