I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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