I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
