omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
there is glitter all over my balls
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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