i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I AM VODKA MAN
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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