Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
