i jhust puked up my retainher.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
