Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
