Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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