Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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