I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
