Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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