youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
