when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
