I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
