When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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