awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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