im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
