You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
