I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
