i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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