listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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