Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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