Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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