I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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