I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
