trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
