i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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