I just pynch a tree in the face
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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