Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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