2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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