i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
