Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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