sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
