Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
