I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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