Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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