So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
