you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
