when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
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