i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
